Category: Commercials

“Háááii .. I’m here talking with Dóóóóón Wiskin from Heartdrop-dot-com.  I understand you changed the name of your product, Don? ” “Yes we did, it’s now XtendOvite, meaning To Extend Your Life.” “Wow… extend your life… Everyone wants to extend their live.. How is it made, Don?”

I love this commercial. As a non-American, this sounds soooo American to me. That enthusiasm, it must be a great product! And it’s made from Herbs. Seven, to be precise. Gathered from “many different parts of the world” – which seems a lot of work to me, just for seven herbs. But who knows. Don’s backyard is also part of the world.

Look for yourself on http://www.heartdrop.com/.
For all clarity, I’ve got no shares in this product. Never seen or tried in real life. I just like the commercial!

“In this unpredictable world, disaster can strike anyone, that’s why  any central part of any emergency survival plan must be Stove In A Can. When power goes out and gas lines are down, the portable save easy to use Stove In A Can cooks food up to four hours and boils water in as little as five minutes. Stove In A Can comes with everything you need; the stove, fuel, even waterproof matches, all in a compact durable heavy duty container, plus the all natural non explosive 100% waterproof fuel source can be stored indefinitely. Say goodbye to the hassle and danger of propane, lighter fluid or gas. Stock up now and protect your family with Stove In A Can, starting up at $29,99. Especial bundle offers now available with a one hundred percent satisfaction guarantee, or your money back. Order yours today, at stoveinacan.com , that’s stove-in-a-can, dot com”

This advertisement started off my imagination.. crisis, nuclear strike, bomb shelters, panic! It inspired me to put this nervous soundtrack underneath it. I distorted the voice to make it sound more urgent.
The soundtrack itself was inspired by the music of Steve Reich, the great composer of minimal music. For instance, Music For 18 Musicians also have parts with the marimba as a repetitive baseline.

Disclaimer: I’ve got no shares in this product, I just like the commercial!

“Here’s something you don’t hear on the radio every day, someone who can’t see. I am totally blind. So I’ll go through the periods where I’m unable to sleep at night, and I feel like I’m constantly running, I can never quite catch up. But this isn’t a sleep problem, it’s something called non-24 hour disorder. Learn more about non-twenty-four, by calling 855 856 24 24, or visit learnmorenon24.com.”

This is one of the fragments of sounds, picked up by chance on the right moment, just when I finished this wobbling, neurotic sounding melody, which gives me a feeling of running. As if this melody and this commercial were meant for each other.

“Quality of manufacture. Smooth, brown, pérfect cigarettes. Rolled in the finest paper money can buy. Manufactured in the newest and most modern of all cigarette factories. Quality even to the appearance of the bright clean, golden yellow package, carefully wrapped and sealed, to bring you Fatima’s rich, fresh, éxtra mild flavor. Compare Fatima yourself. Fatima now cost the same as other long cigarettes, but your first puff will tell you.. “
“Aahh.. thát’s different!”
“Yes, it’s Fatima. The different is quality. Insist on Fatima. Start enjoying thé quality King Size cigarette.”

A (fragment of a) radio commercial for a cigarette, probably broadcasted in the late 1940s (see: wikipedia) .
I like the way how the words are carefully chosen, the intonation,  the composition of the sentences, striving for an optimum sense of happiness and bliss…  it’s almost if they already knew this product has a dark side.

“Enjoy me in May, for the ultimate European 24 day tour, including seven day Mediterranean cruise,  then explore Venice, Slovenia visit Lake Bled, wine tasting in Hungary and an authentic spare-time in Slovakia.”

A call to participate in a tour through Europe, appropriately spoken with an eastern European accent.

“The difference is quality. Quality of manufacture. Smooth, brown, pérfect cigarettes. Rolled in the finest paper money can buy.”

For this small soundloop I re-used a fragment of the Fatima commercial.

“Now, let’s get serious to the males and the females out there, listen, if you one of those people out there that need a little help, in the bedroom, that’s right, if you need a little help, then you wanna get our product, especially for the men out there, men, remember, the mán have to máke it, but the ladies can fake it, so, men, you got to perform, so get this product that we’re talking about, that’s called, eh, J 7 20, J720, that’s right, J-720, available for you, out there too, so you wanna get that product, call me and we can talk about it, and incidently, it is great for the men ánd women, because, I’ve also have a lot of ladies that call, that also are having problems, the don’t have the energy, they don’t have the willpower, and they don’t want to be bothered a lot of time, so, ladies, if you having that kind of problems, you want to get J 720 also for you, and for your partner too, so this ís Helptalk and I am doctor J.L. Johnson.”

So, ehm, doctor.. but ehm, what exactly does this product help for in the bedroom, for both men ánd women…?